Today at counseling we had a good discussion. I am grieving the loss of alcohol in my life but working towards becoming a new woman. A strong and sober woman with strong self confidence. The longer I am sober, the stronger of a woman I will become and the better my self esteem will be. I have a new identity. I do believe this. My body is healthy and my insides are probably celebrating my sobriety. I have a choice every day to drink or not to drink, and choosing not to drink makes me stronger.
I have been worried about telling certain friends that I don't drink and also one of my sisters. I don't have to worry about what others think about me not drinking alcohol. I am a new person. I cannot control what others think and can't get in their minds so I need to let my concern for this go. If they think I'm boring, that's fine, they can think that.
Lately I have been replacing alcohol with sugar. I have seen some alcoholic tendencies starting with my sugar consumption. I hid the brownies from my husband a couple weeks ago because I didn't want him to see how much I had eaten. He really doesn't care how many brownies I eat but these behaviors of mine are very similar to alcohol abuse. Hiding the brownies just like alcohol. I kept going back to the brownies until I had eaten them all and felt sick. Eating too much, just like drinking too much.
My therapist told me that maybe I should stop sugar for a while until I get some more recovery for alcoholism. I don't' know if I want to, we'll see. I think I'd rather just promise not to hide what I'm eating and only eat a serving size.
The quality of my life is majorly improving. From washing my face at night and flossing my teeth, to feeling alert and happy in the morning when I wake up. So grateful for recovery.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
My Sponsor
Thursday night I got a sponsor. This is how it happened.
I had a tough day Thursday. The whole week has been a little difficult as far as self-esteem. I started getting worried about anonymity. That is one thing that made me not want to go to AA. We live in a small town and there is no such thing as private business. Everybody can find things out in a couple minutes and gossip spreads like wild fire. I do not want people to know that I am a part of AA. I know some members of AA, just from people talking and I don't want that to happen to me. Because of all of this, I decided to go to a meeting in the next town over. It's not that far from my home and
Thursday, I thought I had a therapy appointment so I got ready, drove out there, got there a little early and had time to stop next door and say hi to my sister. I talked to her for a few minutes then went next door for my appointment. The door was locked but I just waited outside. It was so cold and I waited and waited. Last time she was about five minutes late to come and get me so I thought she was probably just a little late. Soon, my sister's secretary came back from her lunch break and said, "are you here to see your sister?" I said, "no, I just saw her." "Oh, are you here to see the owner of the store?" I said, "no I'm here to see Sally." She said, "oh, I can let you in." I told her that it would be great if she could let me in. Then the owner of the store that's attached to the therapists' office came back from lunch and said, "oh the therapist isn't here today." ARRRRRRR!!! So much for being anonymous about therapy. :( I was so sad that I basically had to tell everyone I saw that I was waiting for the therapist. Then I called her and I had gotten the date wrong. I cried. I was so frustrated about it all. I called a woman from AA but she didn't answer so I left a message.
I started to think about how I would love to be normal and be able to moderate. I started to think that I wished I would have tried it again before going to AA. I still kind of wish that. Am I being extreme and ruining something that I could have done? I don't 't know. Anyway, then when I got home my in-laws got to town. They gave my husband some money for his birthday and told us to go out to eat. They watched our kids. How nice would a glass of wine been before dinner? I wanted one so badly and thought, if I wouldn't have started going to AA and would have tried moderating instead, I could have one. I felt sad. Really sad. I stayed sober and we had a nice dinner together.
The woman called me back when I got home from dinner. She told me that if I ever have a time like that, when I really want to take that drink, to leave her a message that says, "I really need to talk to you right away." That is good to know. She also told me some tips for getting through times like those. One is to stop and think about some really bad times that happened because of drinking. She also told me she thinks I should start working the steps. She told me a book and a workbook to order. I asked her, "does that mean you'll be my sponsor?" And she said, "If you want me to, I would love to." I said, "Yes, I would love that!" So, there it is. I have a sponsor. I really like this woman and think it will be good to work with her. She's been sober for 33 years. I ordered the books as soon as we hung up. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I still have in the back of my mind, "maybe I can moderate." I guess working on the steps will probably help me.
I had a tough day Thursday. The whole week has been a little difficult as far as self-esteem. I started getting worried about anonymity. That is one thing that made me not want to go to AA. We live in a small town and there is no such thing as private business. Everybody can find things out in a couple minutes and gossip spreads like wild fire. I do not want people to know that I am a part of AA. I know some members of AA, just from people talking and I don't want that to happen to me. Because of all of this, I decided to go to a meeting in the next town over. It's not that far from my home and
Thursday, I thought I had a therapy appointment so I got ready, drove out there, got there a little early and had time to stop next door and say hi to my sister. I talked to her for a few minutes then went next door for my appointment. The door was locked but I just waited outside. It was so cold and I waited and waited. Last time she was about five minutes late to come and get me so I thought she was probably just a little late. Soon, my sister's secretary came back from her lunch break and said, "are you here to see your sister?" I said, "no, I just saw her." "Oh, are you here to see the owner of the store?" I said, "no I'm here to see Sally." She said, "oh, I can let you in." I told her that it would be great if she could let me in. Then the owner of the store that's attached to the therapists' office came back from lunch and said, "oh the therapist isn't here today." ARRRRRRR!!! So much for being anonymous about therapy. :( I was so sad that I basically had to tell everyone I saw that I was waiting for the therapist. Then I called her and I had gotten the date wrong. I cried. I was so frustrated about it all. I called a woman from AA but she didn't answer so I left a message.
I started to think about how I would love to be normal and be able to moderate. I started to think that I wished I would have tried it again before going to AA. I still kind of wish that. Am I being extreme and ruining something that I could have done? I don't 't know. Anyway, then when I got home my in-laws got to town. They gave my husband some money for his birthday and told us to go out to eat. They watched our kids. How nice would a glass of wine been before dinner? I wanted one so badly and thought, if I wouldn't have started going to AA and would have tried moderating instead, I could have one. I felt sad. Really sad. I stayed sober and we had a nice dinner together.
The woman called me back when I got home from dinner. She told me that if I ever have a time like that, when I really want to take that drink, to leave her a message that says, "I really need to talk to you right away." That is good to know. She also told me some tips for getting through times like those. One is to stop and think about some really bad times that happened because of drinking. She also told me she thinks I should start working the steps. She told me a book and a workbook to order. I asked her, "does that mean you'll be my sponsor?" And she said, "If you want me to, I would love to." I said, "Yes, I would love that!" So, there it is. I have a sponsor. I really like this woman and think it will be good to work with her. She's been sober for 33 years. I ordered the books as soon as we hung up. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I still have in the back of my mind, "maybe I can moderate." I guess working on the steps will probably help me.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Friday Meeting = :(
I went to a meeting today and I did not like it. I don't know if it's because there were mostly men there, or what, but I wasn't feeling it. It was kind of difficult because my baby needed a diaper change so I took her out in the hall and changed her diaper, and her clothes because she went through her clothes. Then, as soon as I went back in, she did it again all through her clothes and up her back. So, again, I went out and changed her and had to put the other clothes back on because they weren't as bad. My sponsor (just got her as a sponsor last night--I'll write about it later), came with me and helped me clean up the major mess. So then, I went back in and then my baby started fussing so I put her on my shoulder and stood up and calmed her down. Then I sat back down and she fell asleep on my shoulder. I felt hot because of my scarf and I felt like I didn't really know what to say when it was my turn and I wish I wouldn't have said anything. I just didn't feel comfortable. I definitely like the all women's meetings so much more.
I just don't think I'll go back to that meeting again. I felt like, "why am I here?" Oh well, it's part of the process I guess.
I dont know why i am so insecure. this week has been really hard as far as self confidence goes. Every conversation has been so hard for me. I feel so insecure about my face, my smile, the way I look. AHHHH! It's so frustrating. It creates the feeling that makes me think, "I just need a glass of wine." Why?! Why?!
I just don't think I'll go back to that meeting again. I felt like, "why am I here?" Oh well, it's part of the process I guess.
I dont know why i am so insecure. this week has been really hard as far as self confidence goes. Every conversation has been so hard for me. I feel so insecure about my face, my smile, the way I look. AHHHH! It's so frustrating. It creates the feeling that makes me think, "I just need a glass of wine." Why?! Why?!
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