Today at counseling we had a good discussion. I am grieving the loss of alcohol in my life but working towards becoming a new woman. A strong and sober woman with strong self confidence. The longer I am sober, the stronger of a woman I will become and the better my self esteem will be. I have a new identity. I do believe this. My body is healthy and my insides are probably celebrating my sobriety. I have a choice every day to drink or not to drink, and choosing not to drink makes me stronger.
I have been worried about telling certain friends that I don't drink and also one of my sisters. I don't have to worry about what others think about me not drinking alcohol. I am a new person. I cannot control what others think and can't get in their minds so I need to let my concern for this go. If they think I'm boring, that's fine, they can think that.
Lately I have been replacing alcohol with sugar. I have seen some alcoholic tendencies starting with my sugar consumption. I hid the brownies from my husband a couple weeks ago because I didn't want him to see how much I had eaten. He really doesn't care how many brownies I eat but these behaviors of mine are very similar to alcohol abuse. Hiding the brownies just like alcohol. I kept going back to the brownies until I had eaten them all and felt sick. Eating too much, just like drinking too much.
My therapist told me that maybe I should stop sugar for a while until I get some more recovery for alcoholism. I don't' know if I want to, we'll see. I think I'd rather just promise not to hide what I'm eating and only eat a serving size.
The quality of my life is majorly improving. From washing my face at night and flossing my teeth, to feeling alert and happy in the morning when I wake up. So grateful for recovery.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
My Sponsor
Thursday night I got a sponsor. This is how it happened.
I had a tough day Thursday. The whole week has been a little difficult as far as self-esteem. I started getting worried about anonymity. That is one thing that made me not want to go to AA. We live in a small town and there is no such thing as private business. Everybody can find things out in a couple minutes and gossip spreads like wild fire. I do not want people to know that I am a part of AA. I know some members of AA, just from people talking and I don't want that to happen to me. Because of all of this, I decided to go to a meeting in the next town over. It's not that far from my home and
Thursday, I thought I had a therapy appointment so I got ready, drove out there, got there a little early and had time to stop next door and say hi to my sister. I talked to her for a few minutes then went next door for my appointment. The door was locked but I just waited outside. It was so cold and I waited and waited. Last time she was about five minutes late to come and get me so I thought she was probably just a little late. Soon, my sister's secretary came back from her lunch break and said, "are you here to see your sister?" I said, "no, I just saw her." "Oh, are you here to see the owner of the store?" I said, "no I'm here to see Sally." She said, "oh, I can let you in." I told her that it would be great if she could let me in. Then the owner of the store that's attached to the therapists' office came back from lunch and said, "oh the therapist isn't here today." ARRRRRRR!!! So much for being anonymous about therapy. :( I was so sad that I basically had to tell everyone I saw that I was waiting for the therapist. Then I called her and I had gotten the date wrong. I cried. I was so frustrated about it all. I called a woman from AA but she didn't answer so I left a message.
I started to think about how I would love to be normal and be able to moderate. I started to think that I wished I would have tried it again before going to AA. I still kind of wish that. Am I being extreme and ruining something that I could have done? I don't 't know. Anyway, then when I got home my in-laws got to town. They gave my husband some money for his birthday and told us to go out to eat. They watched our kids. How nice would a glass of wine been before dinner? I wanted one so badly and thought, if I wouldn't have started going to AA and would have tried moderating instead, I could have one. I felt sad. Really sad. I stayed sober and we had a nice dinner together.
The woman called me back when I got home from dinner. She told me that if I ever have a time like that, when I really want to take that drink, to leave her a message that says, "I really need to talk to you right away." That is good to know. She also told me some tips for getting through times like those. One is to stop and think about some really bad times that happened because of drinking. She also told me she thinks I should start working the steps. She told me a book and a workbook to order. I asked her, "does that mean you'll be my sponsor?" And she said, "If you want me to, I would love to." I said, "Yes, I would love that!" So, there it is. I have a sponsor. I really like this woman and think it will be good to work with her. She's been sober for 33 years. I ordered the books as soon as we hung up. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I still have in the back of my mind, "maybe I can moderate." I guess working on the steps will probably help me.
I had a tough day Thursday. The whole week has been a little difficult as far as self-esteem. I started getting worried about anonymity. That is one thing that made me not want to go to AA. We live in a small town and there is no such thing as private business. Everybody can find things out in a couple minutes and gossip spreads like wild fire. I do not want people to know that I am a part of AA. I know some members of AA, just from people talking and I don't want that to happen to me. Because of all of this, I decided to go to a meeting in the next town over. It's not that far from my home and
Thursday, I thought I had a therapy appointment so I got ready, drove out there, got there a little early and had time to stop next door and say hi to my sister. I talked to her for a few minutes then went next door for my appointment. The door was locked but I just waited outside. It was so cold and I waited and waited. Last time she was about five minutes late to come and get me so I thought she was probably just a little late. Soon, my sister's secretary came back from her lunch break and said, "are you here to see your sister?" I said, "no, I just saw her." "Oh, are you here to see the owner of the store?" I said, "no I'm here to see Sally." She said, "oh, I can let you in." I told her that it would be great if she could let me in. Then the owner of the store that's attached to the therapists' office came back from lunch and said, "oh the therapist isn't here today." ARRRRRRR!!! So much for being anonymous about therapy. :( I was so sad that I basically had to tell everyone I saw that I was waiting for the therapist. Then I called her and I had gotten the date wrong. I cried. I was so frustrated about it all. I called a woman from AA but she didn't answer so I left a message.
I started to think about how I would love to be normal and be able to moderate. I started to think that I wished I would have tried it again before going to AA. I still kind of wish that. Am I being extreme and ruining something that I could have done? I don't 't know. Anyway, then when I got home my in-laws got to town. They gave my husband some money for his birthday and told us to go out to eat. They watched our kids. How nice would a glass of wine been before dinner? I wanted one so badly and thought, if I wouldn't have started going to AA and would have tried moderating instead, I could have one. I felt sad. Really sad. I stayed sober and we had a nice dinner together.
The woman called me back when I got home from dinner. She told me that if I ever have a time like that, when I really want to take that drink, to leave her a message that says, "I really need to talk to you right away." That is good to know. She also told me some tips for getting through times like those. One is to stop and think about some really bad times that happened because of drinking. She also told me she thinks I should start working the steps. She told me a book and a workbook to order. I asked her, "does that mean you'll be my sponsor?" And she said, "If you want me to, I would love to." I said, "Yes, I would love that!" So, there it is. I have a sponsor. I really like this woman and think it will be good to work with her. She's been sober for 33 years. I ordered the books as soon as we hung up. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I still have in the back of my mind, "maybe I can moderate." I guess working on the steps will probably help me.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Friday Meeting = :(
I went to a meeting today and I did not like it. I don't know if it's because there were mostly men there, or what, but I wasn't feeling it. It was kind of difficult because my baby needed a diaper change so I took her out in the hall and changed her diaper, and her clothes because she went through her clothes. Then, as soon as I went back in, she did it again all through her clothes and up her back. So, again, I went out and changed her and had to put the other clothes back on because they weren't as bad. My sponsor (just got her as a sponsor last night--I'll write about it later), came with me and helped me clean up the major mess. So then, I went back in and then my baby started fussing so I put her on my shoulder and stood up and calmed her down. Then I sat back down and she fell asleep on my shoulder. I felt hot because of my scarf and I felt like I didn't really know what to say when it was my turn and I wish I wouldn't have said anything. I just didn't feel comfortable. I definitely like the all women's meetings so much more.
I just don't think I'll go back to that meeting again. I felt like, "why am I here?" Oh well, it's part of the process I guess.
I dont know why i am so insecure. this week has been really hard as far as self confidence goes. Every conversation has been so hard for me. I feel so insecure about my face, my smile, the way I look. AHHHH! It's so frustrating. It creates the feeling that makes me think, "I just need a glass of wine." Why?! Why?!
I just don't think I'll go back to that meeting again. I felt like, "why am I here?" Oh well, it's part of the process I guess.
I dont know why i am so insecure. this week has been really hard as far as self confidence goes. Every conversation has been so hard for me. I feel so insecure about my face, my smile, the way I look. AHHHH! It's so frustrating. It creates the feeling that makes me think, "I just need a glass of wine." Why?! Why?!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
One Day at a Time
Todays meeting was great. There were seven women there and a lot of life. A woman read a reading at the beginning about people pleasing and how unhealthy it is to be a people pleaser. It talked about how important it is to please ourselves and take good care of ourselves. I am a people pleaser but I don't want to be. This is the first time in ten years that I am taking care of myself and growing as a person. It feels so good.
I talked about the vacation we have coming up and how I am nervous about it. We aren't taking our kids and there are going to be a bunch of couples who party hard. I have been to weddings sober but never have been to anything like this. I know that I have to take just one day at a time. All I have is today and today I choose not to drink.
One woman talked about how we always have a choice. Every day. There is so much power in that and I love it! Nobody can tell me what to do and if I choose not to drink, then I wont' drink. A woman said to start each day on vacation with the serenity prayer then daily reading. She said to keep a coin in my pocket and know that they are all with me. She also said that I can text any time which is true. Just knowing that those women are fighting the fight too, gives me peace.
I talked about the vacation we have coming up and how I am nervous about it. We aren't taking our kids and there are going to be a bunch of couples who party hard. I have been to weddings sober but never have been to anything like this. I know that I have to take just one day at a time. All I have is today and today I choose not to drink.
One woman talked about how we always have a choice. Every day. There is so much power in that and I love it! Nobody can tell me what to do and if I choose not to drink, then I wont' drink. A woman said to start each day on vacation with the serenity prayer then daily reading. She said to keep a coin in my pocket and know that they are all with me. She also said that I can text any time which is true. Just knowing that those women are fighting the fight too, gives me peace.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Now
I went to a meeting today. When I walked in the door, I went to the bathroom and turned the light on and set the carseat down. Thoughts ran through my head like crazy, "I think I could try to drink normally", "I really shouldn't be here," "I will never get to have fun again," "why did I start coming to these meetings," "I'm not an alcoholic". Then I took a deep breath and reminded myself of the reality. I picked up the baby and went downstairs.
The first woman to speak said that she wishes so badly would have stopped drinking when her kids were younger. This was good to hear and made me think now is the best time. I am preventing my children from having hard memories of their drunk mom sneaking alcohol.
There was a new woman there today. She is probably in her forties or fifties maybe. She has grown kids. She has recently decided to stop drinking. When I looked at her I thought, "I'm so glad that I am not waiting that long." It was a good reminder that now is the best time to take control of this issue.
The first woman to speak said that she wishes so badly would have stopped drinking when her kids were younger. This was good to hear and made me think now is the best time. I am preventing my children from having hard memories of their drunk mom sneaking alcohol.
There was a new woman there today. She is probably in her forties or fifties maybe. She has grown kids. She has recently decided to stop drinking. When I looked at her I thought, "I'm so glad that I am not waiting that long." It was a good reminder that now is the best time to take control of this issue.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Therapy
Today was my first appointment with the therapist. It went really well. I was completely honest which felt so darn good. I felt comfortable. She asked me why I was there and I told her I want to learn to love myself and accept myself, I want to learn to trust myself, learn how to make decisions on my own, and also to talk about and figure out things to do with my alcoholism. Yuck, I hate that word. I picture an old loser man who totally messed up his life. I need to get over it. She asked about my history of drinking and it was good to remember things about my drinking that I haven't thought about it a while. Things that scream "alcoholic". It's easy to forget those things when I am thinking the reoccurring thought, "maybe I can teach myself moderation". The therapist talked about how alcoholism is a disease. I don't' know why but I have a tough time truly understanding that.
I feel so sad when I think about the fact that I can never drink alcohol again. Why do I have to be so extreme of a person?! Why am I so all or nothing? Why can't I just drink normally? The therapist said that it is normal to go through a grieving time. And that's just it. Weird to think I am grieving the loss of something that totally messed up so many things in my life but I am. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I can never have that fun buzz after the first glass of wine. Grieving the fact that I can never go out for a glass of wine with friends. It does make me sad. But I know that for me it never was one glass of wine. Or even two for that matter.
My therapist assured me that I am taking the high road. She congratulated me for the progress that I have made. I believe that I am taking the high road but I know it'll be hard and take some work. I know that I want to be the best mom that I can be, the best wife that I can be, and the best me that I can be.
I feel so sad when I think about the fact that I can never drink alcohol again. Why do I have to be so extreme of a person?! Why am I so all or nothing? Why can't I just drink normally? The therapist said that it is normal to go through a grieving time. And that's just it. Weird to think I am grieving the loss of something that totally messed up so many things in my life but I am. Maybe I am grieving the fact that I can never have that fun buzz after the first glass of wine. Grieving the fact that I can never go out for a glass of wine with friends. It does make me sad. But I know that for me it never was one glass of wine. Or even two for that matter.
My therapist assured me that I am taking the high road. She congratulated me for the progress that I have made. I believe that I am taking the high road but I know it'll be hard and take some work. I know that I want to be the best mom that I can be, the best wife that I can be, and the best me that I can be.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Monday Meeting
Yesterday I went to another meeting. I felt even more comfortable this time. Thankfully my sweet baby girl is calm and quiet so it doesn't seem to bother other people that she is there. Actually, it seems like the women love that she is there. A new little baby adding a little extra joy in the room.
At the beginning of the meetings on Mondays, the men and women meet together for all of the normal AA protocol. After that we split and the women go into a cozy room dimply lit full of couches and comfy chairs.
This time we talked about replacing alcohol and how we have to be careful of what we fill the void with. For me, lately I have been filling it with sweets. An excessive unhealthy amount of sweets. The alcoholic mind (at least in me) is so all or nothing. The women talked about how it is important to fill the void with activities/events/things that make us feel better about ourselves. After I eat a half of a pan of brownies, do I feel good about myself?! Heavens no! This discussion encouraged me to try to think of some healthy options I could fill the void with. One thing I really enjoy is a nice hot shower. Another one is running or walking. I will be 6 weeks postpartum tomorrow so I do feel like my body is ready for running but I don't know how often it will be possible for me right now because of my children. Another good activity is crocheting. I haven't done any since the baby was born but I can definitely get back in to it.
This weekend my sister was in town to meet the new baby. It was so nice to spend time with her and with my parents and family. There were hard moments for me when 5 o'clock rolled around and everyone was getting their glass of wine, beer, or mixed drink. I stared at a bottle of beer and thought, "maybe I can teach myself to moderate". HA! That evil voice of alcohol back again. I know that I cannot have one beer, or one glass of wine. If i did try to moderate, I know that one glass would turn to two and weekends would start to include Friday, and then Thursday, etc. Why do I want it so badly? When I was putting my son to bed that night, I was thankful that I was sober. When my daughter was hungry I was incredibly happy that I could nurse her and not have to count the hours since I had drank any wine. I know that I have to take it one day at a time.
I had a chance to go skiing this weekend. I left my baby and toddler with my dad and really enjoyed the time out in the cold beautiful winter. I thought about how good it felt to feel healthy.
I start therapy tomorrow and I wasn't going to tell my mom but I did because I need her to watch the kids. It was very apparent that she did not think it was necessary for me to go to therapy. Why does her opinion matter SO much to me?! When I hung up the phone I felt sad. Sad because she didn't think it was a good idea. I immediately started thinking, "maybe I don't need to go, maybe it's a waste of my money, maybe I don't really have any issues to work through." Then I decided, it is right for me and it is my decision. I still don't feel as sure about it because of her reaction but I should NOT let that have any effect on me. I have gotten so used to her making my decisions for me and this is one thing that I want to stop. I am my own person.
310 days sober. I am thankful for my clear mind and my sobriety. Today I choose not to drink alcohol. :)
At the beginning of the meetings on Mondays, the men and women meet together for all of the normal AA protocol. After that we split and the women go into a cozy room dimply lit full of couches and comfy chairs.
This time we talked about replacing alcohol and how we have to be careful of what we fill the void with. For me, lately I have been filling it with sweets. An excessive unhealthy amount of sweets. The alcoholic mind (at least in me) is so all or nothing. The women talked about how it is important to fill the void with activities/events/things that make us feel better about ourselves. After I eat a half of a pan of brownies, do I feel good about myself?! Heavens no! This discussion encouraged me to try to think of some healthy options I could fill the void with. One thing I really enjoy is a nice hot shower. Another one is running or walking. I will be 6 weeks postpartum tomorrow so I do feel like my body is ready for running but I don't know how often it will be possible for me right now because of my children. Another good activity is crocheting. I haven't done any since the baby was born but I can definitely get back in to it.
This weekend my sister was in town to meet the new baby. It was so nice to spend time with her and with my parents and family. There were hard moments for me when 5 o'clock rolled around and everyone was getting their glass of wine, beer, or mixed drink. I stared at a bottle of beer and thought, "maybe I can teach myself to moderate". HA! That evil voice of alcohol back again. I know that I cannot have one beer, or one glass of wine. If i did try to moderate, I know that one glass would turn to two and weekends would start to include Friday, and then Thursday, etc. Why do I want it so badly? When I was putting my son to bed that night, I was thankful that I was sober. When my daughter was hungry I was incredibly happy that I could nurse her and not have to count the hours since I had drank any wine. I know that I have to take it one day at a time.
I had a chance to go skiing this weekend. I left my baby and toddler with my dad and really enjoyed the time out in the cold beautiful winter. I thought about how good it felt to feel healthy.
I start therapy tomorrow and I wasn't going to tell my mom but I did because I need her to watch the kids. It was very apparent that she did not think it was necessary for me to go to therapy. Why does her opinion matter SO much to me?! When I hung up the phone I felt sad. Sad because she didn't think it was a good idea. I immediately started thinking, "maybe I don't need to go, maybe it's a waste of my money, maybe I don't really have any issues to work through." Then I decided, it is right for me and it is my decision. I still don't feel as sure about it because of her reaction but I should NOT let that have any effect on me. I have gotten so used to her making my decisions for me and this is one thing that I want to stop. I am my own person.
310 days sober. I am thankful for my clear mind and my sobriety. Today I choose not to drink alcohol. :)
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