My Sponsor

Thursday night I got a sponsor. This is how it happened.

I had a tough day Thursday.  The whole week has been a little difficult as far as self-esteem.  I started getting worried about anonymity.  That is one thing that made me not want to go to AA.  We live in a small town and there is no such thing as private business.  Everybody can find things out in a couple minutes and gossip spreads like wild fire.  I do not want people to know that I am a part of AA.  I know some members of AA, just from people talking and I don't want that to happen to me. Because of all of this, I decided to go to a meeting in the next town over.  It's not that far from my home and

Thursday, I thought I had a therapy appointment so I got ready, drove out there, got there a little early and had time to stop next door and say hi to my sister.  I talked to her for a few minutes then went next door for my appointment.  The door was locked but I just waited outside.  It was so cold and I waited and waited.  Last time she was about five minutes late to come and get me so I thought she was probably just a little late.  Soon, my sister's secretary came back from her lunch break and said, "are you here to see your sister?" I said, "no, I just saw her."  "Oh, are you here to see the owner of the store?"  I said, "no I'm here to see Sally."  She said, "oh, I can let you in."  I told her that it would be great if she could let me in.  Then the owner of the store that's attached to the therapists' office came back from lunch and said, "oh the therapist isn't here today."  ARRRRRRR!!!  So much for being anonymous about therapy.  :( I was so sad that I basically had to tell everyone I saw that I was waiting for the therapist.  Then I called her and I had gotten the date wrong.  I cried.  I was so frustrated about it all.  I called a woman from AA but she didn't answer so I left a message.

I started to think about how I would love to be normal and be able to moderate.  I started to think that I wished I would have tried it again before going to AA.  I still kind of wish that.  Am I being extreme and ruining something that I could have done?  I don't 't know.  Anyway, then when I got home my in-laws got to town.  They gave my husband some money for his birthday and told us to go out to eat.  They watched our kids.  How nice would a glass of wine been before dinner?  I wanted one so badly and thought, if I wouldn't have started going to AA and would have tried moderating instead, I could have one.  I felt sad. Really sad.  I stayed sober and we had a nice dinner together.

The woman called me back when I got home from dinner.  She told me that if I ever have a time like that, when I really want to take that drink, to leave her a message that says, "I really need to talk to you right away."  That is good to know.  She also told me some tips for getting through times like those. One is to stop and think about some really bad times that happened because of drinking.  She also told me she thinks I should start working the steps.  She told me a book and a workbook to order.  I asked her, "does that mean you'll be my sponsor?" And she said, "If you want me to, I would love to."  I said, "Yes, I would love that!" So, there it is.  I have a sponsor.  I really like this woman and think it will be good to work with her.  She's been sober for 33 years.  I ordered the books as soon as we hung up.  I hope I'm doing the right thing.  I still have in the back of my mind, "maybe I can moderate."  I guess working on the steps will probably help me.