Meeting Day

Today I did it.  I went to a meeting.  It has been 303 days since I have had any alcohol.  Not that I'm counting or anything. :) On April 16, 2012 I finally went to a meeting.  I was sick and tired of the hold that alcohol had on me and was sick of what it was doing to my marriage, my mothering, and to me.  I felt so welcomed at the meeting and was glad that it was a women's meeting.  The women gave me their numbers and told me to call anytime.  The next day I found out I was pregnant.  I cried.  My husband was so thrilled but I was so sad.  I had finally thought I was going to get control of my life and desired to do this before we brought another child into the world.  I didn't go back to a meeting.  I didn't drink during my pregnancy at all.  I pushed the idea of being an alcoholic away and thought, "I'll deal with it later."  I kept thinking about how maybe I could teach myself moderation. Maybe I could be a normal drinker.

Our baby was born on January 9th.  A beautiful baby girl who  has shown me parts of my heart that I didn't know existed.  In the past few weeks I have started to feel the itch again.  When my toddler is freaking on the floor throwing a fit, or I start to feel bad about myself, I think of my old friend/enemy--wine. I think "I just need a glass of wine".  With these feelings I also feel like, I do not want to go back to how I was living.  I don't' want to have to wait to nurse my sweet baby until the alcohol is out of my milk.  I want to be there 100% for my sweet children when they need me. I called a therapist last week and set  up an appointment. I want to learn to love myself, trust myself and learn to make decisions.  I want to learn to have an opinion again.  I don't want to be so easily swayed by others' opinions.  I also want to be a sober mom.  Today I learned that I have to make the decision for myself.  Part of who I am is a mother.  Part of who I am is a wife.  I want to be the best I can be today.

The meeting went really well. I felt welcomed and accepted.  I will be returning.  Today I choose not to drink.