Yesterday I went to another meeting. I felt even more comfortable this time. Thankfully my sweet baby girl is calm and quiet so it doesn't seem to bother other people that she is there. Actually, it seems like the women love that she is there. A new little baby adding a little extra joy in the room.
At the beginning of the meetings on Mondays, the men and women meet together for all of the normal AA protocol. After that we split and the women go into a cozy room dimply lit full of couches and comfy chairs.
This time we talked about replacing alcohol and how we have to be careful of what we fill the void with. For me, lately I have been filling it with sweets. An excessive unhealthy amount of sweets. The alcoholic mind (at least in me) is so all or nothing. The women talked about how it is important to fill the void with activities/events/things that make us feel better about ourselves. After I eat a half of a pan of brownies, do I feel good about myself?! Heavens no! This discussion encouraged me to try to think of some healthy options I could fill the void with. One thing I really enjoy is a nice hot shower. Another one is running or walking. I will be 6 weeks postpartum tomorrow so I do feel like my body is ready for running but I don't know how often it will be possible for me right now because of my children. Another good activity is crocheting. I haven't done any since the baby was born but I can definitely get back in to it.
This weekend my sister was in town to meet the new baby. It was so nice to spend time with her and with my parents and family. There were hard moments for me when 5 o'clock rolled around and everyone was getting their glass of wine, beer, or mixed drink. I stared at a bottle of beer and thought, "maybe I can teach myself to moderate". HA! That evil voice of alcohol back again. I know that I cannot have one beer, or one glass of wine. If i did try to moderate, I know that one glass would turn to two and weekends would start to include Friday, and then Thursday, etc. Why do I want it so badly? When I was putting my son to bed that night, I was thankful that I was sober. When my daughter was hungry I was incredibly happy that I could nurse her and not have to count the hours since I had drank any wine. I know that I have to take it one day at a time.
I had a chance to go skiing this weekend. I left my baby and toddler with my dad and really enjoyed the time out in the cold beautiful winter. I thought about how good it felt to feel healthy.
I start therapy tomorrow and I wasn't going to tell my mom but I did because I need her to watch the kids. It was very apparent that she did not think it was necessary for me to go to therapy. Why does her opinion matter SO much to me?! When I hung up the phone I felt sad. Sad because she didn't think it was a good idea. I immediately started thinking, "maybe I don't need to go, maybe it's a waste of my money, maybe I don't really have any issues to work through." Then I decided, it is right for me and it is my decision. I still don't feel as sure about it because of her reaction but I should NOT let that have any effect on me. I have gotten so used to her making my decisions for me and this is one thing that I want to stop. I am my own person.
310 days sober. I am thankful for my clear mind and my sobriety. Today I choose not to drink alcohol. :)
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