Therapy

Today was my first appointment with the therapist. It went really well.  I was completely honest which felt so darn good.  I felt comfortable.  She asked me why I was there and I told her I want to learn to love myself and accept myself, I want to learn to trust myself, learn how to make decisions on my own, and also to talk about and figure out things to do with my alcoholism.  Yuck, I hate that word.  I picture an old loser man who totally messed up his life.  I need to get over it.  She asked about my history of drinking and it was good to remember things about my drinking that I haven't thought about it a while.  Things that scream "alcoholic".  It's easy to forget those things when I am thinking the reoccurring thought, "maybe I can teach myself moderation".  The therapist talked about how alcoholism is a disease.  I don't' know why but I have a tough time truly understanding that.

I feel so sad when I think about the fact that I can never drink alcohol again.  Why do I have to be so extreme of a person?!  Why am I so all or nothing?  Why can't I just drink normally?  The therapist said that it is normal to go through a grieving time.  And that's just it.  Weird to think I am grieving the loss of something that totally messed up so many things in my life but I am.  Maybe I am grieving the fact that I can never have that fun buzz after the first glass of wine.  Grieving the fact that I can never go out for a glass of wine with friends.  It does make me sad. But I know that for me it never was one glass of wine.  Or even two for that matter.

My therapist assured me that I am taking the high road.  She congratulated me for the progress that I have made.  I believe that I am taking the high road but I know it'll be hard and take some work.  I know that I want to be the best mom that I can be, the best wife that I can be, and the best me that I can be.